


I Cook Alone

by shyngr8



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Crack, F/M, Fluff and Crack, Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, Humor, M/M, Other, Stupid Conversations That Result in Crack Fics, The Author Regrets Nothing, nothing makes sense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-23
Updated: 2021-01-23
Packaged: 2021-03-14 20:08:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28926306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shyngr8/pseuds/shyngr8
Summary: Crack!Fic. Once a year Voldemort (and his followers) and Harry (and his friends) all lay down their wands for a Truce Day. Voldemort cooks for them all, hide & seek is played, war stories exchanged, and promises made for the upcoming year. Absolutely nothing makes sense. What wizarding war?
Relationships: Bellatrix Black Lestrange/Rodolphus Lestrange, Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter, Lucius Malfoy/Narcissa Black Malfoy, Sirius Black/Hermione Granger
Comments: 4
Kudos: 31





	I Cook Alone

**Author's Note:**

> I should explain something about this story. I am fascinated by the 16 personalities types (shout out to my fellow INFJs!) and naturally that has lead to me becoming an MBTI meme whore. My friend and I were discussing the types our personalities are best matched with, which soon lead to us looking at Harry Potter characters and their types to see who we would be matched with. Happily Sirius Black (ENTP) is mine, unfortunately Voldemort (ENTJ) is hers. She has accepted this inevitable outcome, which leads to absolutely ridiculous scenarios being discussed when we find memes. For instance, on a cooking meme, in the kitchen my friend and Sirius would be 'banned from the kitchen' while Voldemort and myself 'can cook'. The question was then asked, what would Voldemort be like in a kitchen, which lead to more questions, and then suddenly an idea of a crack!fic. A Truce Day where Voldemort cooks a meal. Absolutely none of it makes any sense nor is it canon, but hey, that's what crack!fics are all about! So here it is. Unfortunately this isn't the last crack!fic idea to come out of this. I apologise in advance. Maybe.

Voldemort looked at the calendar hanging up in Lucius' office in Malfoy Manor. He muttered angry nonsense under his breath, rubbing at his bald head. 'It _can't_ be right.'

'You say something, My Lord?' Lucius asked, sitting at the desk reading his post.

'Is this calendar right? Are we on the sixteenth of November today?'

'Yes, that's right. Why do you- oh!' Lucius' head snapped up to look at his Master. 'That's certainly crept up quickly this year.'

'I've no time to prepare, Lucius!' Voldemort said sharply, leaving the office with his robes billowing behind him like they were riding the wind from an angel's wings. 'Send the invitations out! I have to go shopping,' his voice called to him from down the hall.

'Where will it be held?' Lucius called back, frantically searching for his invitation stationery in his desk drawers.

'Buckingham Palace for all I care! Get them sent!' Voldemort's very distant voice shrieked.

XXXXXX

Harry went into the kitchen of Grimmauld Place, an invitation in hand, to find the rest of the residents sitting around the table, their invitations before them. Ron, Hermione, Sirius, and Remus sat silently staring at them.

'How has it been a year already?' Ron asked in genuine disbelief. 'I'm still full from that pork he made.'

Hermione snorted. 'I don't believe that for one second.'

'This ink Lucius has used is a fabulous colour,' Sirius said, lifting the thick parchment to peer at it closely. 'Is that vermillion? Should we use this on our invitations, Hermione?' She ignored him.

Harry also ignored his godfather's obsession with coloured inks. 'He tortured me last week, and nearly killed you the week before, Remus- why do we keep doing this?' Harry asked, slumping down in a seat between Sirius and Hermione.

'Now, Harry,' Remus started gently, neatly folding the invitation back up into its green ribbon, 'no matter what has passed over the last twelve months, we all agreed that we would do this. For the sake of one day off from violence and vengeance.'

'Besides, he's a fucking phenomenal cook!' Sirius added with a loud laugh, finally pulling the invitation away from his face.

'Fine,' Harry grumbled, staring at the invitation with a frown, 'but he can't be serious about it being at Buckingham Palace this year?'

'I heard the Queen is a fan of you both, so maybe,' Hermione said nonchalantly, tucking her invitation into the book she'd been reading when it arrived. 'Early night I think is best. You know how he gets if we're not there first thing.'

'Don't remind me,' Ron said with a flinch, the memory of two years ago fresh in his mind. As soon as their twenty-four hours of agreed peace was up, Voldemort hit him with a Crucio so hard that his descendants would feel it for generations to come, with a warning of more if he was late again.

XXXXXX

'Bella…Bella… _Bella…BELLATRIX!_ '

'What, Roddy?' she finally answered, using her wand to give her curls the right look of 'manic, but tame enough for peace time'.

'Purple or black robes?' he asked from the bedroom.

'Purple!' Rabastan shouted from downstairs. 'This is the Queen's home! Go fancy!'

'Listen to your brother,' Bellatrix added, checking her eyeliner was a little smudged. Not too much. She was still deranged, but like Rabastan said, this was a time to be fancy.

XXXXXX

'Lucius,' Voldemort said, a hint of impatience in his voice.

They were stood in front of the entrance to the kitchens of Buckingham Palace, bags of shopping in their hands not getting any lighter.

'Why are we here?'

'You said to hold it here,' Lucius said, half-turning to look at Voldemort. 'This is what happens when you leave it until last minute.'

Voldemort's eyes flashed dangerously. 'The truce doesn't last forever, Lucius.'

'No, no. None of that, My Lord. You know the rules today,' Lucius tried to point at him but his bag hindered his movements, 'what's the first rule of today?' Voldemort started muttering under his breath. 'Do I need to call for Albus?'

'No,' Voldemort sighed, rolling his eyes, 'no threats of violence on the day of the truce, even if they won't be acted on until after the truce.'

'Good man,' Lucius praised him. Voldemort couldn't help it when he puffed his chest slightly. 'Come on. Queenie said we can have the kitchens and a dining area next to it, and an hour to use the entire place for our hide and seek time. She'll be at Windsor for the weekend.'

'Fine,' he said impertinently, 'I suppose these kitchens are adequate enough.' Turning back to Narcissa, who was busy brushing fluff off Draco's shoulder, he said, 'Of course, nothing compares to the kitchens you've installed at the Manor, Narcissa dear.'

She gave him a proud smile before entering the building.

XXXXXX

Severus Snape stood by the entrance to the kitchen, as instructed by Voldemort, ready to put Safety Charms on everyone's wands as they came in. While it was an agreed day of peace for the group, sometimes tempers (Voldemort's) could be frayed (cooking with precise times isn't easy), and sometimes buttons could be pushed (Hermione's) by people (Sirius) who loved a good argument, no matter what day it was.

Once everyone had arrived, and were now milling around the far end of the kitchen that housed a staff dining table (Voldemort liked his guests where he could see them while he was cooking, let's call it trust issues after the Truce Day of 2020), Severus went over to Voldemort who was frantically peeling carrots. 'What is it?' he asked, sending a pile of potatoes to the sink with his wand.

Severus held his hand out. 'Just yours left to do.'

'I'm doing the cooking. Why do-'

Severus let out a long, impatient sigh, his hand still firmly held out.

' _Fine_.' Voldemort slapped his wand into Severus' hand. 'And make sure Hermione is occupied. The last thing I need is her trying to steal my gravy recipe.' He snatched his wand back and pulled out the various timers he kept somewhere in his robes.

'It'll cost you if you want me to keep Granger occupied,' Severus said, glancing at the person in question, 'she's currently trying to extract my knowledge on how I create new spells. It's tiresome.'

Voldemort stopped peeling for a moment, leaning heavily on the counter with one hand and pointed the other hand holding his wand and peeler at him. 'No Crucios for a month.'

'Two months,' Severus countered.

'Six weeks,' Voldemort said, 'and I'll overlook the fact that you told Albus about the ring.'

'Deal,' Severus said quickly, turning with a swish of his robes before the Dark Lord could take back his offer.

While the gathered guests mingled, Voldemort peeled, chopped, boiled, weighed, measured, and cooked to his little heart's content. He was meticulous in his counting of vegetables, everyone would have exactly the same amount, no one was ever favoured at this yearly meal. Everything was chopped neatly, not one root vegetable daring to be misshapen, and water was salted to the exact ratio of water to salt. And with the precision of a Muggle surgeon, after rubbing olive oil into the meat, Voldemort scored his large beef joint and delicately placing trimmed rosemary leaves in the cuts, before throwing whole sprigs of them around the meat with a flourish, then he chucked in some cloves of garlic for good measure.

Once he was happy with the preparation for the meat eaters, he glanced up at the group, Hermione clearly side-eyeing him during her conversation with Narcissa. 'Which of you idiots are still insisting on the vegetarian option this year?' he called over, washing his hands frantically under a gold tap.

'Tom, language,' Albus reprimanded from his reclined position at the table.

'Apologies, Albus,' Voldemort said sincerely, drying his hands, 'which of you morons don't eat meat?' Albus smiled approvingly, raising his sherry glass to him.

'Still me, Voldy dear,' Narcissa called.

'Me too,' said Wormtail.

'Anyone else? I know there's always one person who thinks they can go without meat every year, and then they learn the error of their ways,' Voldemort said, starting to measure out the squash.

'Fine,' Rodolphus said sharply when Bellatrix elbowed him, 'my doctor said I had to cut back on meat, so I'll have the vegetarian option please, My Lord.'

Voldemort proceeded to prepare for the Persian squash and pistachio roast, using the same precise weighing and chopping methods for this idiotic meal. Honestly, who doesn't eat meat.

'Is it mathematics you're using for the vegetables, or do you have an instinct for the exact shape they should be cut?' Hermione asked, breaking into Voldemort's thoughts as he pointed his wand at the nuts to ground them.

'Severus! Get this woman away from me, or so help me-'

'Tom!' Albus said warningly.

Voldemort paused what he was doing, took a deep breath with his eyes closed and counted to five. When he opened them, Severus was stood by Hermione, hand pulling at her elbow.

'I apologise, Hermione, for my outburst, but I'm rather a little too busy to be giving cooking lessons. Maybe next year,' Voldemort said with a practiced patient he used for children.

'You said that last year,' she whined.

'Come along, Hermione,' Severus said firmly, 'I'm sure Sirius needs occupying for at least ten seconds.'

Finally, with all his timers set, and everything ready to go when it was time, Voldemort announced to the room, 'Hide and seek time! Who's seeking first?'

'I am,' Neville said miserably, having drawn the short straw not ten minutes ago.

'Excellent,' Voldemort said gleefully. 'But as it's Longbottom, best we do this in pairs, give the poor chap a fighting chance so we can get more than one game in.'

'Thanks, Voldemort,' Neville said with a grateful smile. He'd always been terrible at seeking.

'Why are you all stood there? Pair up and move!' Voldemort shouted, racing forward, his silk robes flapping gracefully behind him as he grabbed Remus' hand and raced out of the large kitchens with him.

The group looked around at each other for a moment, Neville now moving away, ready to count once they'd departed.

'Sorry, dear,' Lucius said apologetically to his wife before grabbing Hermione's hand and leaving the room, 'she's always the last one to be found.'

'Oi!' Sirius shouted after him.

'Well, as we're an odd number anyway, stick with us, cousin. We'll do this as a trio,' Bellatrix said, grabbing her sister's and Sirius' hands.

Not a minute had passed when Neville was finally able to start his count to sixty seconds.

XXXXXX

Various witches and wizards raced through the many rooms of Buckingham Palace, the staff there not paying any attention as they went about their business, as long as they repaired anything they broke.

Hermione was beginning to regret letting Lucius chose her as he kept stopping to admire the decor. It was worse when they stopped in a gallery that had vermillion coloured silk wallpaper behind the paintings. 'Think they'll let me take a sample of this?' Lucius asked, trying to peel a corner near the doorframe.

'What is your obsession with this colour?' Hermione snapped, before grabbing his cravat and pulling his face close to hers, their noses touching. 'Do not cost me this game, Lucius. I won't have your inner interior designer break my four year winning streak. Now move!' She shoved him into the next room.

Another three rooms later and Hermione was satisfied with what appeared to be the Queen's personal lounge area with comfy couches and a television in the centre of it. It was small by the palace standards, but it had fantastic hiding potential. There was a large sideboard that had large cupboards at the bottom of it. Grabbing Lucius by his sleeve, she hauled him over as he admired yet another colour on the walls.

Opening the doors as she started to kneel down, she found something not completely unexpected. She fell back on her bottom, pulling Lucius down with a sharp yank as she did. 'I knew it!' she said happily, scrambling to get up. 'How long?'

Harry was currently lay on top of Draco across the cupboard space, having suddenly pulled apart from a very deep kiss upon their discovery.

'Son, you told me there was no one special? You're mother has been wanting you to bring someone for Christmas for years now,' Lucius said, leaning an arm on top of the cupboard door. 'Now you know we've always had a soft spot for Harry. You should definitely visit us for the Christmas gala.'

'Oh, if Harry's invited, can I come?' Hermione asked hopefully.

'Only if you get me a sample of that wallpaper,' Lucius said, now gently closing the doors back on his son and secret boyfriend.

'Deal!' Hermione said with a clap of her hands, leading the way out of the room.

Draco and Harry meanwhile were currently staring at each other in the dark wondering what exactly had just happened and if they were happy about their relationship not being a secret anymore, as that was part of the thrill.

XXXXXX

It was Neville's best year yet. He found everyone in less than half an hour, giving them chance to play another two rounds of hide and seek before Voldemort's first timer shrieked across the palace.

'Everyone back to the kitchen!' his voice boomed into their heads.

'Why do we always have to stop playing when he does?' Albus muttered to his hiding partner of Wormtail.

'2020,' Wormtail said sagely. Albus nodded, he was right. It was for the best.

Hermione was the first back to the kitchen with Lucius flagging behind her, but before she could even get near a pan, with the waft of some very expensive aftershave, Voldemort raced past her and sent up a Shield Charm. 'Hermione Jean Granger, we cannot have this conversation every year. I cook alone.'

'There must be something I can do,' she cried, trying to fight off Lucius as he pulled her back to the drinks table across the room, 'just let me mash the potatoes or something?'

Voldemort pinched the skin where the bridge of his nose should've been, sighing to the very high ceilings. 'No. And if you continue down this path, you'll be off the invitation list next year.'

'You wouldn't dare!' she gasped, her voice echoing across the room.

'The rules, My Lord,' Lucius said quickly.

Voldemort clenched his lips tightly together to prevent himself from continuing into the disagreement. 'Please respect my boundaries, Hermione. I do not come into your workspace and try to interfere in your very planned schedule, do I?' he said calmly.

Hermione stopped fighting against Lucius, ignoring the others coming into the room as she dropped her head. 'You're right, Voldy. I'm sorry.'

'We have an understanding?' She nodded. 'Good. Now drink your wine and take your seat,' Voldemort said happily, turning the heat off on the hobs before checking his Persian squash and pistachio roast. All was coming along well.

XXXXXX

An hour later and they were finally sitting down to the meal, some of them (Sirius) a little tipsy from not eating that morning so they could savour every bite of Voldemort's cooking. Bowls were passed, hands were slapped when someone (Rodolphus) tried to add seasoning, and glasses were raised to Voldemort for another year of fabulous food. In their opinion it might be his best yet.

'Ronald Bilius Weasley, must we do this every year?' Voldemort said loudly across the table.

Ron's face went bright red, his fork currently overfilled with mashed potato and his mouth wide open. The whole table turned to watch Ron, and if Voldemort had eyebrows, one would have be raised expectantly. Ron slowly put the fork down, letting the food fall back onto his plate, and then scooped up a much smaller portion of it, holding it up for Voldemort to see.

'Better. I will be having word with your mother about these abhorrent table manners,' Voldemort said firmly, 'and if I see you even so much as reach for anything with your fingers, I will break the rules. Understood?'

'Yes, sir. Sorry, sir,' Ron said sincerely, his face practically vermillion in colour. Hermione knew the exact shade it had gone as Lucius was desperately asking her if she had her mobile contraption to take a photo.

'Tell me, Hermione,' Bellatrix started between bites of her roast beef, 'have you and Sirius set a date yet? We're all keen to get started on the wedding gift registry.' There was a lot of nods of agreement at this.

'Yes, Hermione, have we set a date yet?' Sirius asked, leaning around Rabastan to stare at his fiancée.

'Not. Yet.' She gave a mutinous look to Sirius. 'Because someone wants a naked wedding.'

Cutlery clattered to the plates, someone choked on their wine, and Severus put his face in his hands.

'This is why Walburga struggled with you as a child, Sirius,' Bellatrix said in disappointment. 'Sometimes your need to be unpredictable is too predictable.'

'Thank you, Bella,' Hermione said, giving Sirius a pointed look about arguments they'd been having.

'And what about you, Neville?' Voldemort turned to the man directly on his right. 'Found that special girl yet?'

'Or boy,' Fenrir piped up.

'Of course, of course,' Voldemort agreed.

Neville sighed. 'Not yet. But I was hoping I could ask for a pass on any tortures this year- you know, give me a bit of a chance finding someone without being too beaten up?'

Voldemort looked to his Death Eaters around the table, a silent conversation was had. Then Voldemort turned back with a warm smile. 'We can do that. You have until next Truce Day.'

'Thanks, everyone,' Neville said happily to the table.

'While we're talking about the upcoming year, I was wondering if we could be a bit calmer on the little wars we like to have?' Sirius piped up. 'As much as we haven't set the date, I do intend to marry this witch in the next twelve months.'

'Oh, actually. That would work for us too,' Narcissa spoke up, giving Harry and Draco a beaming look, 'we've just found out Harry and Draco are an item and we would love to have Harry around for all the usual Malfoy events. We'd like him to feel welcome in our home.'

Voldemort paused for a moment, chewing slowly on his roast potato. Finally he started to nod. 'I think we can do that. Bit of a Truce Year, so to speak.'

There were a lot of murmurs of assents and spoken thoughts of how tired they have been lately, so it'd be nice to have a quieter year.

'I have to admit, I would like to catch up on some reading. Maybe look into that…what's it called again, Harry? Nettleflax?' Voldemort said, already looking forward to his plans.

'Netflix,' Harry corrected him with a kind smile.

Suddenly there was a loud slap against skin. Severus, having positioned himself purposely to Hermione's right, had slapped her hand away from trying to pocket the gravy.

'Look!' Hermione said sharply, 'Just because you don't like me, doesn't mean you had to slap my hand.'

'It's nothing personal. I don't like anyone,' Severus said coolly, 'and I had a job to do.'

She turned to Voldemort who was smirking at her. 'Could you at least send me some through the year? It's just like my grandmother's gravy. That's all.' She gave him her best beseeching look.

He narrowed his eyes for a moment before saying, 'Set your wedding date and I'll gift you the recipe.'

'Fucking yes!' Sirius said, leaning around Remus to hi-five Voldemort, who complied with a resounding slap.

Hermione sighed petulantly, sinking back into the chair. 'Fine. What about New Year's eve?'

'My birthday?' Voldemort asked, a hint of emotion in his voice. 'You would do that?'

'Why not? We can make a big celebration of it,' Hermione said earnestly.

Voldemort looked to Sirius teary-eyed. Sirius gave him a nod.

'It's a deal,' Voldemort said happily.

'Finally!' Bellatrix cheered.

XXXXXX

Once food was had, Albus made the after dinner coffees, which they drank around the kitchen staff table, sharing tales of the past year's battles and having boisterous discussions over who came out better. Hair tips, skin care routine, and book recommendations were shared, and everyone was truly relaxed for the first time in a year.

Voldemort was finishing his coffee while perusing the leftovers of his meal, wondering what he would make next year, when he spotted Remus shrugging on his robes by the kitchen door.

'Were you really going to leave without saying goodbye?' he asked as he walked over to him.

'Sorry, didn't think you'd miss me,' Remus said straightening the collar on his robes. 'It was a fabulous dinner, as always.'

Voldemort seemed to stand a little taller at that. 'Thank you, Remus. It's most kind of you to say. Maybe next year you bring the family? Teddy's always welcome.'

'Maybe I will,' Remus said with a smile before parting with a hug to Voldemort and a wave to the group.

It wasn't long before everyone else followed Remus' path, saying their goodbyes to Voldemort at the door, with hugs and kisses all around.

Once the kitchen was cleared, dishes washed and put back, Voldemort finally left, collapsing into his bed, full and happy at another successful Truce Day meal. And just as he was drifting off into sleep, his thoughts lazily wondering if he had another Horcrux in him, he sat bolt right up.

'I forgot the onions!'


End file.
